Honey, said the husband to his wife, I invited a friend home for supper.
What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I havent been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I dont feel like cooking a fancy meal!
I know all that.
Then why did you invite a friend for supper?
Because the poor fools thinking about getting married.
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, alsoretired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the eveningpersuading him to come work for him as his valet. "Your dutieswill be exactly the same as they were in the army," the generalsaid. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast."
Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulledopen the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village foryou."
Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middlewas reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines and reeled in their catch.
A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knewthe other two.
"Oh yes, " he said. "They are my friends.
"In that case, " warned the officer, "you'd better get them out of here!"
"Yes, sir, " the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.
A chicken walks into a library. He goes to the front counter and says, "Buck". The librarian thinks this is very cute. She says, "Oh, aren't you cute. You want a book." So, she gives the chicken a book and he goes away.
The next day the same chicken comes back to the library. He goes to the front counter and says, "Buck, buck." The librarian is impressed.
“You already read the first book I gave you and now you want two more books. What a smart chicken you are.” And she gives the chicken two more books.
The chicken returns to the library yet another day, goes up to the front counter and says, "Buck, buck, buck." The library is becoming very curious. She gives the chicken three books and this time she follows him to see where he goes.
The chicken brings the books to the pond, where she sees a frog. He gives the books to the frog and he says, "Read it, read it."
A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him. Shenoticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways. Wow, she thought, this crab is really special. I can't let him get away. So they got married immediately.
The next day she noticed her new husband walking sideways like all the other crabs, and gotupset. "What happened?" she asked." You used to walk straight before we were married."
"Oh, honey, " he replied, "I can't drink that much every day.